Never Get in the Way of a Girl and Her Chocolate
by blackbubbledancer
Summary: Yachiru never does anything half way so when her little taste for revenge gets out of control will she be able to find a place to lay low until the dust settles? Warning: Major Crack


**So hi all I know its been a while but it has been a long year for me , planning and wedding then having it collapse on you is never a fun thing. So here I am pulling myself out of my little self imposed exile and trying to start writing again so please, please , please throw me some slack.**

**Another warning : this story is extreme crack , as a matter of fact its nothing but crack . As well I pulled my main idea from watching an episode of bleach containing nel* So without much more a due enjoy **

**Xoxoxo Blackblubbles**

Yachiru never did things in a small way . Ever . May it be her sugar consumption, her over the top attitude or the perch she took on her Kenny's shoulder. Nothing about Yachiru screamed small except for her size even that she made work for her over the years to get out some BIG problems and right now she had gotten herself into big trouble.

"Crap." She huffed as she booked it pel-mel across the courtyard of squad eleven she really didn't think baldy would freak out this badly over a stupid pair of eyelashes. She really didn't.

"YACHIRU!" Ikkaku voice rang loud and clear across the training . Loud ,clear and angry.

"I've got some candy for you."

"Yeah right" She huffed and she scrambled over the wall that contained her squad from the rest of the world. Normally she would not be panting or this out of breath but she could not shun-po because the moment either of those bone heads felt even the tiniest hint of her she would be found and there was no telling what those two would do when they got into these moods. So she now had to rely on raw endurance and the lingering high from the energy drink she downed a few hours before.

Running down the street huffing and puffing she was really beginning to re think all those energy drinks she had pounded because it might just be her but she was sure she was packing a little extra weight that wasn't there a few months before she had been introduced to those wonders of modern science.

"Oh well ." she thought out loud that problem could always be fixed later the current situation was more dire , she really did need to find a place to hide , a place that "the two" would never think of or were to afraid to enter.

That really limited her options.

She could try squad twelve but that would be back tracking and the risk that Mayuri would try to run tests on her like he did the last time was so not worth it. Thankfully she had weaseled her way out of there before he found any pertinent information about her because that would take a lot of explanations, paper work and quite frankly time plus she just didn't want to explain her tendencies to anyone .

Suppressing a shiver she glanced at the door to squad eight and paused for a moment "Would Nanao hide her." Looking at the door she pursued her lips because this was not the time to find out how good a friend the other woman was to her. beside "the two" were weary of Nanao but they didn't hold the fear that everyone else seemed to. Hell she even found the woman intensely scary on certain days .

She was running out of idea's and squads and she could feel the two of them not very far behind her , there had to be a place that she could hide . Then it hit her like a two by four she knew where she could go.

XoXoXoXoXoXo

It was actually quiet, this was an odd but pleasant experience where squad six was normally orderly and well behaved there was usually a buzz coming from somewhere , from someone or at times something. But at nine am on a Tuesday morning his squads main building could almost be called serene and that gave Byakuya Kuchiki a small sense of satisfaction .

With a small almost unnoticeable smile Byakuya closed the file for his latest training schedule. This being the first week of the month his desk looked like something blew up on it . papers piled up all over the place but at least he knew the method to his madness and in a few short hours his desk would go back to looking some semblance of normal. Speaking of normal where was his Lieutenant he had not heard from the boy all morning . Shaking his head he dismissed the thought Renji would show himself sooner or later with ether a really good or really lame excuse regardless the boy was going to be doing drills until he passed out. That thought alone made his small smile a little bigger.

And speaking of the devil Byakuya felt Renji's sluggish riatsu walking up the path . Oh this would be good he could already tell the boy was sporting a pretty mean hang over.

Standing he smoothed out his haori when something collided, hard with his desk skidding to a halt right in front of him.

"You have got to hide me."

A very frazzled hyped up Yachiru knelt on his desk panting like she had just run a marathon.

"Come on Byakuya."

There just weren't words for the sight in front of him he didn't think he had ever seen Yachiru in this state before . Bundled with energy and bouncing around sure he had seen and threw it out of his office plenty of times , but he didn't think he had ever known the girl to completely hide her riatsue and not shun-po around like a manic gerbil.

"Why?" He looked down at her skeptically because perhaps the girl really was in trouble.

"Because thing one and thing two are going to fucking kill me."

Looking horrified she pressed both hands to her mouth looking just as shocked as Byakuya was to actually hear that word come out of her. He didn't even know she knew those words . Well of coarse she knew those words seeing as who her mentors where but he had never heard the little pink cotton ball sound anything but child like.

Standing up she brushed herself off and look up at him "Look, I can't explain at this exact moment but I need a place to lay low for a while."

Who was this thing ? and what did they do with Yachiru?

"This isn't invasion of the body snatchers don't look at me like that .Kuchiki Taichou it's really me but I really need your help."

Normally this was the time he would be forcibly throwing her out of the office for just generally being obnoxious , but he was curious now.

"You can stay Lieutenant." He gestured to the chair in front of his desk and watched as she hopped off the desk to the chair looking back up to him still slightly frantic.

"Do you have a extra uniform lying around here."

Byakuya could feel a nervous twitch starting to form under his left eye. " I do . . . "

"Great" she cut him off "Can I use it"

All Byakuya could do was look at her like she sprouted another head because there was clearly no way he would let her use one of his uniforms and not only because they just plain wouldn't fit her .

"I do. . . "

Getting cut off again she gave him a slight smile "Were is it ?" she hopped off the chair and started walking into his wall cabinet "Is it in here"

She didn't even turn around as she started to open the door . "You are not touching one of my uniforms Yachiru." He was started to get angry now and the twitch was starting to become more pronounced.

" you can stay in my office but. . . " Byakuya trailed off as he watched Yachiru transform instantaneously much like his former mentor.

"Oh my god." Was all he could say because standing in front of him was a version of Yachiru if she had gained twenty years and a substantial body.

"Not a word Kuchiki."

And he would not speak a work to the now naked woman standing in his cabinet .Thankfully her back was to him and her long pink hair covered most of her or he didn't know what he would have done .

Closing his eyes he pinched the bridge of his nose and fell back into his seat "Yeah it's on the top shelf " Spinning his chair to face the wall a million question ran through his head at once . How the hell did he not know that Yachiru was, well a woman.

"You can turn around now."

Her smooth voice unnerved him he would give anything to get back that high pitched child like squeal.

Turning around he was surprised to see his uniform did indeed fit her the pants had to be rolled up a bit but her ample chest filled out top and thank every god that was now laughing at him it covered everything because he would have lost it if had to deal with a pink haired Matsumoto.

He watched her pick up two quills from his desk and start to twist her long hair up into a bun. Leaning back in his chair still slightly horrified he just had to ask it good manners and proper decorum be damned .

"Yachiru. . . . "

The woman looked up at him as she secured her hair.

"How old are you ?"

Smiling as she smoothed some stray hairs in place "About two hundred years younger than you."

All Byakuya could do was arch an eyebrow.

"I'm not joking" she gestured to her body. "Go ask Kenny if you have doubts , but thing one and thing two are in your front office so as far as you know I am a new recruit filling out paper work. And whatever you do , don't laugh when they enter ." She snorted and shook her head "Who am I kidding the fact I got this much reaction from you in close to amazing. . . . . You're not going to laugh at them."

Byakuya didn't know if it was the sight of her or the sound of her but he was to stunned into silence to respond to her observation.

Not a moment later there was a firm knock on his office door.

"Taichou , Ikkaku and Yumichika are here to see you."

So that's who she meant by saying thing one and thing two. Letting out a put upon sigh and a droller than usual expression he looked over to the door.

"Enter" His words coming out a little harsher than usual seeing as he didn't know what state these normally rambunctious boys were going to be in .

The door to his office opened with a bang causing him to glair in their direction his office would not be disrespected just because they couldn't control themselves.

Both men tumbled in at once and it took everything Byakuya had to keep from laughing because it looked like Ikkaku's face had gotten attacked by feathers , both the upper and lower lid of each eye had long sets of brilliantly colored fake feather lashes glued to them. If that were all Byakuya would have been fine but it also looked like Yachiru pulled out a set of permanent markers and went about giving him a very through make over sort of making him look like a turkey in a perverse way. So if Ikkaku was over made up Yumichika , well. . . Byakuya had never seen the man without his flamboyant eyelashes and from what he could now tell really good face make up but it wasn't his face that was the startling thing it has his normally sleek hair had been braided together and put into dread locks? It was the only thing Byakuya could imagine would make the braids so poufy .

Clearing his throat he stood up walking around his desk and in front of Yachiru.

"Can I help you?" his voice dropping the room temperature by a good ten degree's stunning both men into momentary silence

"Well you …" Ikkaku started

"Umm…." Yumichika looked to be grasping for words

"We thought we felt Yachiru in your office Taichou" Ikkaku finally spit out.

Giving them his best look of disdain he deepened his frown "Why would she be in my office."

"Well we thought we felt her presence in here a moment ago and kenpachi is looking for her." Yumichika tried to lie smoothly but failed miserably .

Stepping away from Yachiru he gave both boys a clear look around his office "Dose it look like that daemon spawn has been in hear."

The men weren't going to question him the looks on their faced clearly told him it looked like they were both going to pee their pants at any moment.

"N..No Sir" Ikkaku stammered backing his was to the door .

"We are sorry for bothering you Kuchiki Taichou." Yumichika grabbed Ikkaku by the back of the hakima and pulled him out the door. Closing it much more gently then they had opened it

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

Yachiru had to keep her face pointed down at the desk to keep from losing all composure thing one and thing two sounded like they were going to pee their pants. Well she knew they would be scared because Kuchiki could be downright terrifying if he wanted to be but she never thought things would go this far. As long as no one got any more physically damaged than they already were things would turn out just fine.

The door clicked shut but she waited until she heard the front office door click shut and a good count to twenty before she threw her head back and slumped into the chair .

"Thank god." Letting out a long sigh she undid her hair from the quills seeing as they were starting to stab her in the back of the head , having short hair really was much easier to maintain. Running her hands through her long strands of pink hair she turned her head to look up at Byakuya.

"Do you think they had a clue?"

If it was possible a small smirk passed the man's lips as he looked down at her but it could have been a twitch for all she knew since no one could really remember the last time the man smiled.

Walking back over to his chair he sat down turning the full of his attention back to her "No , I don't think much was registering with them ." pausing for a long moment he just looked at her "This goes against all my better judgment but I have to ask . What did they do to incur your creative wrath."

Shifting and curling up into the chair she smirked "They ate my chocolate" she stated simply earning her and odd look from Byakuya.

"All of that" he gestured to the door were the boys once stood "Over chocolate?"

Biting the bottom edge of her lip she looked down slightly chagrin. " You know how much I like my sweets."

"That's a bit excessive even for you Yachiru for someone just steeling your chocolate."

Sighing she shifted again moving her legs out from under her and crossing them unable to stay still for more than just a moment. "Fine." She looked back up at him more than un amused "It was really expensive chocolate from the human world. "

This earned her yet again another un amused noise from her unlikely savoir.

"You know how much I make and how often I get to go to the human world it gets costly to maintain my really bad day or that time of month stash." Squirming around uncomfortably at even having this conversation she shrugged again. "It wasn't just once either . Those fools get drunk and would actively seek it out and if they found it they demolish it. " Brushing a piece of her hair from her face she shook her head. "And I was having a really bad night last night , Well day and night but regardless it was bad and I wanted my chocolate but found nothing but shredded gold wrappers and crumbs."

Byakuya just nodded and flicked his wrist in a gesture to go on like he was sure there was more to this story.

"So I thought I would teach them a lesson." She pulled her legs up under her again feeling more contrite than ever. " I knew there was no way I could do that to them when they were normally drunk so I went over to squad eight and perhaps barrowed a few bottles of Kyoraku's homemade sake."

This time she watched Byakuya's eyebrows reach his hair line.

"Yeah I know the stuff is like ninety proof and could blind you so I at least mixed it with the stuff they usually drink." Pulling one strand of hair over her shoulder she started to play with the end . " In my defense they were out by ten and didn't feel a thing."

A slow smile started creep over Byakuya's face and he let out a low chuckle. If she had thought he was beautiful before now it just cemented her ever growing lust for him.

"Don't laugh at me"

Shaking his head Byakuya actually smiled "I now think I have seen everything Yachiru."

"Thanks" the words came out dryly.

"So needless to say I didn't get my chocolate but I did get my revenge I'm not sure which is sweeter ."

"Remind me not to piss you off" a smirk still lingering on his lips.

Standing she let a smile linger on her lips as she sashayed over to him "Don't worry I would never do that to you , you know how much I love my Bya-kushy."

She watched him arch his eyebrow yet again giving her a slightly weary look that usually crept on to his face the moment she bounced into his office.

Smiling impishly she slipped up onto his desk in front of him and crossed her legs. " So " she looked down into his eyes "What would you give me if I asked you for some sugar now."

She watched as he leaned back in his chair letting that uncharacteristic smirk crossing his lips " I " He leaned forward towards her and dipped down letting the smile grow ever so slightly mesmerizing her to everything but him "Would give you this" Rectifying himself he pulled out two of the sticky sweet lychee gummy candies she loved handing them to her. "and tell you I have work to do."

Taking the candies in her hand she tilted her head back and laughed "Your amazing Kuchiki Byakuya."

Slipping off his desk shaking her head she pockets the candies before she turned to walk out the main door.

"Wait" he pauses for a moment "Aren't you afraid someone will recognize you?"

His genuine concern for her was touching.

Chuckling a little she shakes her head. " How many times have you seen me before like this."

Byakuya opened his mouth then closed it then opened it again the closed it

"Exactly, don't worry about me Bya-kun "

With that she turned and walked into the front office giving Renji a friendly wave on her way out.

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

He knew it would happen . It couldn't' have been more than four minutes after Yachiru walked out the front door Byakuya heard a very enthusiastic knock on his office door.

"Enter."

Opening the door at a respectable pace at least Renji wasn't ripping it off the hinges like the other two bone heads . Renji stood in the door way practically vibrating with excitement .

"Who was that!"

Byakuya knew he had taught his lieutenant better than to have verbal diarrhea

"Your proper response should be 'Good morning Taichou I am sorry for being two hours late to work it will never happen again and I hope you take mercy on my pathetic hung over ass for being late."

Byakuya leaned back in his chair with amusement watching a myriad of emotions fly across the young man's face before he shook his unruly main of hair around her head settling on a look of resolve . "I'm sorry Taichou but who was that , that just walked out of your office she was ."

Byakuya knew this was coming , knew it so cutting him off before he could say something even more stupid

"Jail bait." He replied flatly

"So she is still in the academy for another few years is she going to be joining our squad"

The excitement in Renji's voice was almost palpable .

"Get out of my office Abari ."

With a shrug of resignation for the moment but still undeterred the young man walked out of his office . All Byakuya could bring himself to think was thank god that little thing didn't walk like that all time.

**So what did you think ? Good , Bad , Freaking Fantastic as far as crack goes . Please Review and show your author some love. And as Always thank you for reading **

**Xoxoxo**


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